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I was inundated with Christmas music at lunch today, which got me to thinking. I'm often called a bad person because I don't get into Christmas music. It's not that I don't care about Christmas music. On the contrary, I actually have a lot of strong thoughts regarding Christmas music, ranging from "Seriously? How can anyone possibly just listen to the same ten songs over and over for two months out of every year?" to "Are you kidding me? These things are freaking ridiculous?" And they are ridiculous. Just stop and think about it. Actually, don't. You'll just get all sappy and put on a silly light up sweater. So allow me. Here's a handy guide to shed some light on all those silly songs you all get so excited about.
1.The 12 Days of Christmas. Honestly, who in the hell wants all of this stuff? Who ever has thought, "You know what would be a sweet-ass gift for that chick I dig? 23 birds, 33 dudes making music and bouncing around, 17 chicks dancing and fondling the eight cows I'm totally going have to include.... oh and five rings. Yeah, so it'll be all olympics like"? The answer is no one. No one has ever thought that.
2. Baby It's Cold Outside. Let's just boil this down to what it really says, "Hey girl, the weather's kind of shitty, so you might as well bang me. What's that?You'd rather wreck driving in the sleet than get in bed with me? Ah come on, it's like 6 degrees out there and 6 degree temperatures are the new roofies. And, incidentally, so is this mug of hot chocolate I gave you. So get to stripping. I don't want to have to figure out how to undo your bra once you pass out." Ah, roofies and terrible pick up lines. Nothing says the holidays quite like them.
3. Grown Up Christmas List. Bullshit. I call bullshit. Unless you are Mohandas Friggin' Gandhi you do not just want world peace for Christmas. You want shoes, or books, or video games, or blenders, or jewelry, or cars, or banded stacks of cash, or a new job, or a mistress, or to put a hit on your arch-enemy, or even a gift card to the damned Olive Garden. But you want something. Admit it. Just admit it and quit trying to play off like you're some big altruist. Santa Claus isn't real. So he's not watching, and you're not scoring bonus points by pretending to just want to improve the world.
4. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. This is a song about a kid who walks in on his mom making out with some dude that's not his dad and thinks it's basically the coolest thing since Nyan Cat first pooped a rainbow. And before you say anything, don't. I get it. Santa Claus is just the kid's dad dressed up as Santa because Santa Claus isn't a real person. But the point is the kid doesn't know this. The kid legitimately thinks he's walked on his mom having a snog with another dude and sings "Oh, what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!" Really, Dad would just think that's hilarious? I mean what kind of hippie-ass orgy-having swinger family does this kid belong to that his Dad would have just thought it a laugh riot that Mom was swapping spit with a fat old guy in a red crushed velvet suit right in front of their kid? I do divorces. Dad does not think that's funny. Dad is probably going to get pissed and roll all mom's clothes up into a ball with spray adhesive and throw it on the lawn (true story, had that case once). I mean, yeah, occasionally you'll have the Dad who doesn't mind that mom's banging St. Nick because he and mom do the whole open relationship thing, but he still doesn't think it's funny. Unless maybe he's laughing because the best mom could score is a fat old guy with terrible fashion sense. In which case, dad is still kind of a douche.
5. Mary Did You Know? Nope. Nah. No, I didn't know. I was actually playing Angry Birds when that angel showed up to tell me what's what, so I really have no idea what's going on. I mean, I thought it was a little weird, the whole being pregnant for no reason thing, but I figured that was just because I was playing Words with Friends during sex ed and wasn't paying attention then either so I don't really get how all that getting pregnant stuff works. But thanks for clearing that up for me. I guess I'll get him a better car seat now.
6. Last Christmas. This is not a Christmas song. This is a song about a emo little dude who can't get over having a one-night stand that just so happened to occur at Christmastime last year. Suck it up, buttercup. Everyone has gotten wasted and had a meaningless hook up at the office Christmas party. Just go back to singing Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.
7. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. This is a song about a kid who wants an extremely deadly animal for Christmas. She may as well be singing "I want a sociopathic serial killer for Christmas." (Sidenote: Dexter as a Christmas present is a totally great idea.) Now either the kid is suicidal and is hoping to be one of the 3,000 people who are mauled to death by hippos annually, or the kid is a sick bastard who hopes to train said hippo to do her evil bidding and maul all her "frenemies." Either way, it doesn't exactly go hand in hand with candy canes and ho ho ho and tidings of good cheer.
8. Do They Know It's Christmas? Lyrically this song is a disaster in just about every way possible. Let's start with "And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time." Well, sirs, that's probably because most of the continent lies in the Southern Hemisphere where it's summer in December. Try again in June, Einstein. "The greatest gift they'll get this year is life." So poignant. Except, I'm pretty sure life is the greatest gift any of us get. That new iPhone I got doesn't really do me a lot of good if I'm dead, now does it? "Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow"No rivers, huh? So, that whole Nile thing we've always heard about, that's just a creek, right? "Do they know it's Christmas time at all?" Right. Because obviously if you're not of European decent and / or if you live in an impoverished area, you wouldn't have enough sense to know about a major annual holiday celebrated by a substantial portion of the world. It's not dickbaggy of us to presume that at all. After all, we wrote a song for you. Maybe we'll even send it to you on a project red iPod, because we care. But then, there's the piece de resistance "Well, tonight, thank God, it's them instead of us." Why in the hell would you put this in a song that is purportedly to show you care about the plight of Africa? Does "Oh, man it sucks what those Africans deal with, but hey better those brown people than us 'mericans, amirite? Thanks, God, for doing us a solid on that one." really sound like a "it's Christmastime and we care about you" song to you? Yeah, no.
9. Pachelbel's Canon in D. This is not a Christmas song. At all. Under any circumstances. Stop misappropriating it.
10. The Christmas Shoes. Shoot me in the face. No, really, please. I can't take it. This is not even a song. It's a damned email forward. Someone is singing you a mamafrigging chain letter and you're tearing up like someone just punched your grandma in her brittle bones. Well, hey. If that's what does it for you, then here, have this. Ahem. *Sung to the tune of Lionel Richie's Hello* "Hello. Thanks for reading this letter. There's a starving little boy living down in Krygyzstan. He has got no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. You can save this little boy. Every time you email this to your friends, one dollar will be donated to the Little Starving, Armless, Legless, Parentless, Goatless Boy Foundation. Send this to 5 people in the next 47.281 seconds to save this wonderful little torso boy. Also you'll die and God will kill a kitten if you don't." It's a masterpiece. Give me my Grammy.
So there you have it, folks, your festive, warm and fuzzy music. I hope you all have learned something today and will stop blasting this at me for two months out of the year.
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