A Compilation of the 15 Greatest Text Messages I've Ever Sent / Received

Yesterday I upgraded my phone to iOS 6. As usual, it taunted me and pretended to get rid of a bunch of my stuff until I was able to get icloud to make it rain or whatever it is that clouds do to make your stuff magically reappear. Also as usual, this sent me into a dead panic thinking I'd lost some important stuff. Like my text history. 

Once upon a time I used to think of texting only as a means to tell someone I was running late or in a meeting with my boss so stop freaking calling me. But somewhere along the way, texts between my friends and me devolved into the same ridiculousness that the rest of my life is. And thus, some little conversational gems were born. They're beautiful and, much like Rose with Jack, I'll never let go of them. So just in case the day comes when I really do lose my text history, I'm memorializing them here. Enjoy. 

• "Yes. Exactly. I ordered them from his home. He's delivering them personally. In an ice cream truck. Called Dre Treats. Ba-duhn-chiii."


• "Get in the TARDIS now, Gladys!"


• "Last night I decided I need one of those beer hats for when I crochet."


• "I may have just littered a giant rotten carrot on the sidewalk. Because, you know, that's normal and something that people do. Host an intervention?"


• "OMG! Let's get 'em. And then go back that place with the sunken cop car and ride around in our floating Obamas."


• "We'll be late. We were sabotaged in the elevator by Maurice Moss."


• "Geez, free beer?! I just turned around and was face to face with an obscene watermelon. Similar." 


• "Someone just threw a friggin' chicken leg at me. Seriously?! Bitch, do I look like a voodoo priestess? No. Keep yo' chicken bones to yourself." 


• "Oh! Baaaaaaadass (said like a goat... I guess)."


• "Sweet! So can I get some high fives for luck? Or Jews for Jesus?"


• "F*ck yes! And then I'll phone some one and ride a bicycle over the moon. Boom."


• "That place has the BEST selection of dead babies."


• "I really don't understand why Jewish males aren't called Judes."


• "Maybe it's not a girl. Sometimes it looks like a potato."


• "I'm at a place where there are 12 different home brews brewing. And the bathroom is clean! And there are three dogs!! What a wonderful world. I hope you're getting raped by a lizard or something."