Unanswered Questions After (Sort of) Watching My First Super Bowl

Testify.

Last night, the Super Bowl was on the television in my house. I watched approximately 33 minutes of it (which is roughly equal to 10 seconds on the game clock) when it didn't interfere with more important business like Cards Against Humanity. I guess it was a rite of passage of sorts, watching this event of huge cultural signifigance for the first time. I thought maybe after watching it I'd understand some things, like why it's such a big hullabaloo. But as it turns out there's no sense to be made of the Super Bowl. No logic to be found anywhere. Watching it only makes things worse. There's a reason why people are typically intoxicated when they watch this thing, I guess. And that reason is probably to avoid getting bogged down in a slurry of unanswered questions, like these:


Why is it called a "flag on the play"?

Seriously. I know my geography. And that ain't no flag. That doesn't even pass as a flag from one of those tiny insignificant countries. More like a rag on the play. Throw down a hankie, Hairball's bitten someone and run off onto the field doing Gangnam Style!

What's with this bus full of showgirls being chased by dudes on camels?

And why do I get to decide their fate? And if I get to decide their fate, why is there no option for one of the camel guys to offer them an ether rag to wipe the desert dust off their faces? I mean, if we're gonna have dudes on camels chasing showgirls, let's do it up right. 

Do those coaches have the same name? And is that name Hairball?

It sounds like hairball. I tried repeatedly to make it sound like something legit, but it just sounds like hairball. Is that a nickname? And if so, who on earth would allow someone to call him hairball? And if not, who the hell names their kid hairball?  Come meet my little bundle of joy. His name is hairball. We just love him so much it chokes us. 

Does Dodge think they give out Oscars for Super Bowl Commercials? 

Was this some Dodge Exec's kid's film school project? It kept sapping on for so long that I actually tried to figure out how to key in "tl;dr" into my television remote.

Why does Ray Lewis wear blackface? 

No really. It's kind of mind blowing.  Think about it.  1. I'm pretty sure blackface stopped being acceptable sometime early on in the Civil Rights Movement some fiftyodd years ago. And 2. He's already black. I would think maybe he's trying to make some sort of political statement, but I've heard the man speak. He's had far too many head injuries to be that clever. 

Why is there a koi singing "No Diggity" to a beer?

Is that a thing now? Fish seducing beers with R&B songs from 17 years ago? I feel so inspired. Can I teach my dog to mac up on a bottle of vodka by singing "Purple Rain"? 

Why even have a time clock in this game at all?

As best I can tell, they get to stop it every 3 seconds to have a nap, or ponder their existance, or slap each other on the ass. And apparently the rule is they get to completely ignore when the time runs out at the end and play 'til they're done. So why do we even have a time clock? Seriously, boys, just do what you want. Kick the ball for a while. Take a nap. Eat a sandwich. Run a little bit. Call it quits whenever you feel like it. No one cares. 

Is Benedict Cumberbatch supposed to be Khan? 

Well, is he?

Is the halftime show audience made up of regular Super Bowl goers or do those people have seperate tickets and spend the entire game cuddled around the halftime show stage?

Seems like you'd just let the regular crowd partake in the halftime enjoyment, since I'm pretty sure they all had to mortgage their homes and sell their children and kidneys to get a ticket to be there, but that area is pretty full and it doesn't seem like there was time for an exodus down to the halftime stage. So do you have to buy a seperate ticket for that? How many organs does that cost?

Why did we need to stop the game for the power / lights outage?

It's not like they're out there reading a book or threading a needle. How much light do you really need to run headfirst into someone? 

Does anyone actually kiss that loudly?

Please let me know if so, so I can be sure to never get anywhere near them. Vom.

Do the 49ers always look like Iron Man or is that because they premeired the Iron Man trailer?

I prefer to think it's the latter. Actually, I think they should have ditched their cheerleaders entirely this year and just had RDJ as their mascot. Boom, Beyonce, top that. You can't.

Does the fact that people are calling the Oreo commercial "The Whisper Commercial" make anyone else think of that Ying Yang Twins song? 

No, just me? Okay then.  

What in the hell is a safety?

I'll admit it. I got all excited at that point near the end of the game when someone exclaimed one or the other of the teams was going to "use the safety" thinking maybe the players would bound onto the field and perform the Safety Dance. But no. Apparently someone just gets two extra points for no discernible reason. Rubbish.