When I grow up....

Today I learned there is an actual job with an actual title... and salary... and benefits package... where one is paid to talk about video games on social networking sites... in German... which is pretty much what I already do when I'm supposed to doing my job. This leaves me with one burning question, what the hell kind of f*ck off career counselor did I have that I didn't know about this? Seriously. You had one job, career counselor. One job. Where the hell were you when I was all "I think I'm going to go to law school and be a lawyer"? Why weren't you there telling me, "Really? You want to do that? Because you could talk about video games on the internet for a living and probably get paid a lot more."

Because now I know anything is possible, here's a list of my top four dream jobs. Feel free to send any leads on any of them, since I've obviously been failed by my career advisor.

4. Professional Bioshock Player

I will play Bioshock for a living. People will watch me with rapt fascination and some may even bet on me, just as they do people who choose to play with balls or pucks for a living.

3. Internet Spelling/Grammar Police

I will be paid to issue citations to users of Facebook, twitter, reddit, youtube, assorted forums and comment sections, and other web media who screw up English spelling and grammar. I will also be in charge of banning repeat offenders on a multi-strike system. Native English speakers will be banned from the entire internet after three strikes not reasonably attributed to autocorrect or intoxication or seven strikes including autocorrect mishaps and wastey-face fails. Non-native speakers will be banned from interneting in English after twenty strikes not  reasonably attributed to intoxication or autocorrect or fifty strikes including autocorrect mishaps and wastey-face fails.

2. Professional Con & Music Festival Attendee

I will go to cons and music festivals for a living. When I have time while I'm living it up at the various events, I will tweet about what an awesome time I'm having, diss crappy cosplayers, and gush about all the cool celebrities I've met and amazing bands I've seen. I'll also post photos on various social media outlets to make others jealous.  The benefits package will include a wardrobe stipend and food allowance for each event.


1.  Poutine Critic

I will be paid to travel the world sampling poutine at various restaurants and food trucks and rating the product. As I will too frequently be in a food coma to be expected to write an actual article critiquing the nuances of each poutine, my ratings will simply be on a scale of one to ten, held up on a giant card Olympics-style at the conclusion of my meal. A minion will photograph the same and upload them to a blog or submit them to a food magazine. At the end of each calendar year I will revisit each establishment earning a "10" and crown one poutine champion.